Today I am exhausted. Like squinty-eyed, grumpy, can’t finish a sentence, lose my train of thought exhausted. If you’re a mom, you’ve been there. And until you become a mom, whatever exhaustion you thought you’ve felt in the past does not compare. Moms have so much to worry about and think about – feeding schedules; nap schedules; piano practice; sports schedules; illnesses; did the homework get finished; did the kids study enough for their tests; where to come up with money to buy new clothes for quickly growing kids; what to serve for dinner; the never-ending laundry. Not to mention discipline; giving each child enough attention; teaching them to love Jesus; teaching them to be kind, helpful, good citizens. Whew! I’m more exhausted now just thinking about all that.
I remember being in college, carrying a full load of classes, working part-time, staying up late to study, and feeling exhausted. Even being close to a breakdown. If I could go back to that nineteen-year-old me, I’m not sure what I would tell her. Would I explain to her that one day she would long for the carefree days of college? No, I’d probably just let that girl live in oblivion. I mean, when you have nothing else to worry about, college can be a little stressful, so I would just let her think life gets easier. And it does. Get easier, that is. But the “easier” sort of comes in spurts.
Now don’t get me wrong – I love my life. I have a wonderful husband and three beautiful children. I couldn’t be more blessed. But today I’m feeling exhausted. Tired. Old. Grumpy. I haven’t slept longer than 4 hours at a time in about a year. I’m not really complaining, I’m just stating facts. Vivienne is almost 9 months old and still wakes up 2-3 times a night. (Obviously we’ve got to suck it up and let her cry it out soon.) And for 3-4 months before she was born, I barely slept at all. I was huge and uncomfortable so sleep eluded me. If you’ve ever been pregnant, you understand.
Ok, where was I going with this post anyway? See, I’ve already lost my train of thought. Ggrrrr…
I guess my point is that, yes, I’m tired beyond belief. But I also know that this is just a season. And one day I will miss those middle of the night feedings where I have Vivienne all to myself and can pray over her. I have loved being able to pray the fruit of the Spirit over her – that the Lord will give her love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. I’ve loved praying for her future husband and imagining their life together. I can’t wait to see how the Lord brings these prayers to fruition in her life.
I know that the Lord will use this season of exhaustion. He knows my heart and He knows my struggles. He hears my prayers and somehow He always gives me the exact amount of energy I need for each new day. All I have to do is ask. Isn’t it wonderful to have a God who loves us and cares about the details of our lives? Even our exhaustion.