Tears stream down my face, soaking my shirt, as I make the thirty minute commute to work. As I attempt to reign in my emotions, my mind replays the struggles of the morning.
The memory of Vivienne’s little arms clinging to my waist as she begged me not to leave – it haunts me.
My concerns associated with Jonah as he struggles to obey classroom rules – it fills me with worry. Because it’s been a hard transition so far.
The argument with Peter over who knows what – it makes me wonder if we will survive. I know we will but it won’t be easy.
Returning to work after seven years of raising babies has been more stressful than I thought.
I’m being pulled into a hundred different directions, much like many of you.
Mommy guilt is real.
I feel guilty that I’m missing Vivi’s first day of kindergarten.
I feel guilty that I missed Jonah’s first bus ride.
I feel guilty that I can’t pick Brie up from school.
I feel guilty that Peter packs the kids’ lunches instead of me.
Mommy guilt is real.
But instead of fretting, allowing my emotions to overtake me, I pray. I lift my concerns to Jesus and He calms my heart.
I pray and He provides peace.
It’s a process, this casting of my worries on the Lord. One I find myself doing over and over.
Because I’m in a hard season. On so many fronts.
I feel assaulted by the enemy. On so many levels.
I recently heard Chrystal Evans Hurst say that God wastes nothing. Even the hard things. And I know that He isn’t wasting our family’s current struggles.
We may not understand what He’s up to, but whatever it is, it won’t be wasted. We can learn and grow. We can minister to others who are also struggling. And we can remind ourselves that it’s just a season.
But most importantly, we can lean into Jesus, trusting Him. That’s what I want to do today. Because otherwise, I will sink. I will sink into my fears and worries. Into despair.
I want to lean into Jesus.
I need to lean into Jesus.
“Help me lean into you today, Jesus. I want to trust you with my concerns, knowing that this season will not be wasted. You are a good Father. Thank you for your love.”