The warm spring wind blew in every direction. “Look at my crazy hair, Mom!” Jillienne giggled as she pedaled her red tricycle around the driveway.
The kids and I were enjoying our spring break at home, playing pickle ball and learning to roller skate and drawing chalk shapes on the sidewalk. It was the perfect afternoon full of sunshine and much needed warmth.
Yet something was nagging underneath the perfection.
Something I couldn’t quite put my finger on.
Then suddenly, it hit me. One year ago, we had also been enjoying beautiful warm days playing in the driveway. But under much different circumstances. Schools had been closed. Lockdowns were enforced. Â Toilet paper and meat shortages were very real parts of our lives. Fears were close to the surface, threatening to overtake even the most ordinary of moments.
While watching my kids play, I thought back on last spring and realized the nagging feeling was actually anxiety. Trauma from those spring months of 2020.
It may seem strange or dramatic to talk about trauma from a year which was, in many ways for our family, a good year. We spent much quality family time enjoying each other’s company, completing puzzles, learning new games, watching movies together, playing outside.
Yet there was also stress in not knowing what was to come. Fear of losing jobs. Of school not starting again. Wondering if life would ever get back to normal.
My last “normal” morning was spent with a few friends in my home as I hosted a Bible study. I specifically remember our conversation turning toward this yet unknown illness called COVID-19. Discussing what it would mean for our community if it hit here. Receiving texts from Brienne about rumors that school would be shut down and then suddenly, all of our phones buzzing with that very news. As my friends dispersed to prepare for a weekend? a week? a month? of having their children home from school, life felt scary and surreal.
That evening Peter and I huddled in the protection of our home with our children, wondering what to say. How to explain this global pandemic that threatened to take away all they had known.
And now I find myself, a year later, feeling those same fears and anxieties rising to the surface. Is it because of the anniversary? Is it because the weather feels familiar, the same as last March? It’s probably a little bit of both of those things.
My heart palpitates quickly, almost out of rhythm, as I find it hard to breathe.
I’m not usually an anxious person. But this. This feels overwhelming. Uncontrollable.
And yet I know the One who is in control. I know the One who placed the planets in perfect alignment. I know the One who knows my fear and sees me struggling.
His Word tells me this:
“Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10
Maybe you are also experiencing anxiety around this COVID anniversary. Or maybe your fears and worries stem from something else altogether. But rest assured that you can trust the Lord because He holds you in His hand.
What are your thoughts as we enter into a full year of COVID?